Pages

Friday, July 25, 2008

Human Beans

There are days and there are days. Today I am in a relatively good mood, yet my opinion of the human race is rather low. This is not always the case. There are days when I can look at the mass of humanity writhing around me and not wonder how they all got to be so fat, ugly, stupid and/or any combination of the above, but today is not one of those days.

It's unfair, of course, but one of the frustrating things about being the crazy old man I am becoming is that, despite my youthful attempts to deny, ignore or explain this phenomenon away, my observations of humans, after nearly fifty years, reveal this salient truth: we are the problem.

Yet, it is virtually all I think about. As interested as I am in science the the nature of things, it is the nature of humans that I contemplate most. Of course, the humans I think about are most often my own family and friends, but my love and affection for these people means that I separate them from the rest of the herd, choosing to focus my anger and frustrations on the unnamed mass. It makes for an easy safe target, but this is no reason for me to stand back.

In fact, I cannot stand back. I cannot simply take my place, let's say, on the bus, or in a meeting, or in a line anywhere without feeling like I am being overwhelmed by the rude, the inconsiderate, the selfish and the self-serving. Everyone takes more than they need, as much as they want with no consideration of the previous or the next. In situation after situation, people stand in my way, cut in front of me, reach for things I am looking at. I must stand aside for the morbidly obese as they waddle down the aisle and take it all, for the group of students locked arm-in-arm on the sidewalk, for the bicyclist who rides in the crosswalk, for the motorist talking on the phone who turns in front of me.

I know, I know, this is just more whining. We all feel this way at one time or another. But why not get over it? Why this screed?

Well, what I wonder is this: Since I take the time to step aside, why doesn't the fat guy on the telephone in the middle of the cereal aisle do the same? Why doesn't the cyclist recall that they too walk on the sidewalk from time to time and would appreciate not being run over? Is it too much for people, when gorging themselves on another three to five thousand calories that they most certainly do not need, to think that the consequences of becoming fat and stupid reach beyond their own bloated bodies?

Apparently not. It would seem that certain members of society (a majority, no doubt) are prepossessed with a unchecked desire to please only themselves. These people are blissfully unaware that the pride of excess that they so shamelessly display is like a large red flag waving with disdain at those of us who might take the time to consider the consequences of our actions. They addresses the world with a singularly selfish message: 'I don't care'.

If you think I am wrong about this, look at some of the messages of consumerism, excess and generally offensive language that these people wear on their clothes, if in fact, t-shirts count as such. This aggressive display is often dismissed as a mere casual lack of concern on the part of the wearer, but in fact, that is just the point. If you don't care that you are advertising for some beer at the expense of your dignity and those who are forced to look at you, then you are the problem.

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Portland Homesick Blues

I wanna go home with the armadillo.

Jerry Jeff Walker
London Homesick Blues

Oh yesterday was a tough day. Not for me, but for Maddie. It is safe to say that after three weeks, the excitement of living in Portland and going to school at the WCI has morphed into a mixture of boredom, trepidation and homesickness.

I tell myself that heartbreaking as it may be for Valery and me, her situation is no different than any other new freshman off to college. I tell her that too, when we talk, but boy, it sure isn't easy watching her suffer. She's had to go through so many changes all at once, it is easy to understand why she is feeling a bit overwhelmed right now. Nonetheless, this difficult experience is also something that she will just have to go through, no matter how painful it is for both of us in the near term. Paying your dues.

In the long term--which is to say long after culinary school is over--she will benefit from these tough days. Of course, knowing this doesn't make it any easier when I see her sad about being away from home and frustrated with her progress in school, but it does help me keep things in perspective. This is important when I am about one mouse-click away from booking a flight for Valery to return to Portland and watch over her. No, I promise I--we--won't do that, not only because we can't afford it right now, but because we really believe that letting her tough this out is the right thing to do for her.

Why? Well, because we've spent so many years protecting her and providing for her, it seems to make sense to protect that investment by doing more of the same. However, now that she is becoming an adult, there's no better method I can think of for teaching her the skills for coping with adversity than to let her experience some actual adversity. Because the investment seems so much more valuable now, it seems terribly risky to to let her go so far so soon, but I repeat: I can't think of another way to liberate her and give her the independence she is seeking in a way that doesn't stifle that independence with rules or set her up for failure with goals that she hasn't personally selected.

I remind myself (and her) that the goals now in place are hers; she chose this path. Allowing her to succeed means allowing her to follow the path herself. Of course, if she fails, she won't have to blame us, but it this negative reasoning doesn't adequately illustrate the point. A better way to say it is, when she succeeds, she will affirm her decision-making ability and be in a position to do it again as she chooses the starting point for her career sometime next year.

Oh I suppose, given my rather grim track record, I've lost all credibility when it comes to talking about the 'right' way to raise a child, but with usual Phillipoid (new word) delusional foolishness, I am undeterred by my failures or inadequacies. In fact, I am encouraged to learn that my inabilities are actually diminished in scope by Maddie's resilience. I am impressed with her emerging ability to cope and above all, hopeful, not just because I am her Dad, but because there is every reason in the world to be so.

Thursday, July 17, 2008

New Look

Well, just for the sake of variety, I've gone and changed the layout of this journal.

Actually, it is not just whimsy; my intent is more complicated than the desire to simply make a change. The move to pull the videos and slide shows out of the main body of the journal is designed to make them more easily viewed and to reserve the center space for words as much as possible. This new layout also 'stretches' if you decide to change the size/shape of your window.

I'm still experimenting with the form, so I may post a slide show or video in the center for a few days then move it over to the right in case anyone wants to see them again.

Friday, July 11, 2008

Bus Riding

One of the biggest changes I've made in my life lately has been a small one. Instead of taking my truck to work every day, I now ride the bus. It's a small change, to be sure, since I don't actually leave the truck in the driveway but take it up to the bus stop and park it across the street in a shopping center parking lot. In my defense, the bus stop is over a mile away, and to walk it first thing in the morning would just wear me out. Plus, when I get to my destination, it is actually about the same distance from the bus stop at 24th and Lamar to my desk in the heart of campus. It takes me almost as long to walk to my building as it does for the bus to get from South Austin to UT.

In spite of these compromises, it is a big change because it has much such a positive impact on my well-being. It was astonishing for me to see, once I was able to step back and look at it, just how stressful the drive to work actually has been. Now, I actually look forward to going to work because the stress of driving no longer gets in my way. It is sort of like a fog that has been lifted from my vision, allowing me to see clearly the fine details of life that used to be invisible to me.

Now, though I am often prone to daydreaming, I can feast my eyes on the world of the street that rolls past my picture window. Lamar is a busy, active street, and even though we are taking advantage of the light summer traffic to roll effortlessly down the boulevard, there is a lot going on.

The automotive shops are busy already, of course, while most of the restaurants are still dark, with overturned chairs on tables visible through the windows. The car wash is hopping and so is the bicycle shop. Sadly, there are long lines at McDonalds and Taco Cabana, but there is also a good crowd at Maria's Taco Xpress.

Construction abounds. The old Binswanger glass factory is gone, replaced by a high rise, and the last and biggest of the new condominium towers, the Spring, is going up right on the corner of Lamar and 1st Street. They've been doing groundwork there for about six months, so you know it is going to be enormous.

On the bus there is as much to look at as outside it. Once I became a 'regular' rider, I began to observe others like me, who take the same bus every day to get to work.

Others, though, are riding the bus in the morning for other reasons. Yesterday it was the father of two small children, obviously going to return them to their mother after a visitation. Today it was the three homeless guys who emerged from the park to pick up the bus to ride out to their various street corners. Folded cardboard signs tucked into soiled backpacks smelling of ripe cheese are the telling signs of their profession. They are remarkably happy for this time of day and in their state, but then, I suppose they're already a little drunk and not all that concerned with the daily concerns that occupy me.

I wonder, sometime, if anyone looks at me, and tries to figure out what my story is, but then I realize that I am just an ordinary guy who is likely invisible to anyone who isn't looking. Certainly this is the case when I am not on the bus. Why would it be any different now? The anonymity is at once both comforting and unsettling, but real and quite simply unavoidable.

Tuesday, July 1, 2008

First Day


Well, it is only a few hours away, and doubtless I have more butterflies in my stomach than does Madelaine, for today is the first day of class at culinary school. She's ready. She's got the uniforms, the shoes, the hats, the apartment, the roommate, the internet and a confident attitude. Today she gets the knives and the books and her first taste of what will hopefully be a long and rewarding path for her.

In her stage the other day, my hope was not that she learn skills, but that she would see what it is like to work in a kitchen. The die has been cast, so to speak, so I have no room at the moment for second guessing or doubts, but I do know that, to continue with the cliche, the path of life has many twists and turns. I am pleased she picked a direction that is in my territory, so to speak, but I realize that at any time in the future, near and far, she can go somewhere else.

So far, Madelaine has shown that she can seek out and step up to challenges in life. Given the choice to remain in her grade school one more year or move up to middle school, she moved up. Even though she's had some obstacles to overcome in the classroom with dislexia, socially it was a time of growth. She made several good friends while in high school, and, like so many others, escaped with a diploma. Finally in spite of the best efforts of the system to sap her strength and dampen her spirit, she emerged with energy and a plan for the future, which is more than I started with, and I think I've done ok. Just ok, but that's another matter.

The time difference has me over-anticipating the event, and it will be hours before I know how went this oh-so-important 'first day'. More later.

Thursday, June 26, 2008

Snow in the City

Snow. New stuff this. Crunchy, not soft. Grey, not white. But cold. Jake stopped on the sidewalk to take it in. He bent down to scrape up some snow, this wondrous new substance for an eight-year old, but not for long. Mama's walking.

Her old habits return quickly, for the city is hardly unfamiliar to her. For a moment, she forgets about the boy. Her head is tuned to the past and not the crunching snow underfoot. The boy may not even exist. But he does, catching her held back hand, reflexively. The cold surprises her and she stops.

What's this?

Snow!

It's dirty. Don't play with it.

But it's snow!

When we get to the park. Then you can play with it.

She wipes his hand, then grasps it firmly, fairly pulling him along. The world rushes by. Crunching in the snow, everywhere there is motion. Heads down, look out. Mama's walking. The boy tucks into her coat as they reach the bus stop.

Waiting, snow begins to fall. Tugging, twisting, eager to see more, to catch a flake, he turns away and sees the dog.

For the boy, street level has real meaning. Tethered to an adult, he knows he is secure, but the world below the waist has a turmoil all it's own. Legs whipping by, umbrellas and bags to dodge, the view is chaotic. The dog is at the boy's height, in his world and in trouble.

Around the dog's neck there is a choke chain, and it is tight. The dog is small and lithe, certainly no match for the chain. Already it cinches up the fur around his neck as he is dragged along. No look from above returns the plea for release. The dog tugs and pulls, but the motion is seen as rebellious, not plaintive, and the return is tighter and tighter still.

The boy watches as they approach. The snow is falling hard now, and the bus is pulling up. He tugs at his mother's arm but the response is to pull him closer as they edge toward the curb. He fights and twists to look back.

He can see the man with the leash now, a filthy and disheveled creature with an open coat and wild hair. He is openly fighting with the dog now, wrenching it up into the air as it yelps and struggles. No one stops. No one looks. Just the boy.

The man moves toward a store now, dragging the dog behind him. People step out of the way. A woman leaves the store head down and swerves to avoid tripping on the dog, but does not stop. No one stops. The bus is coming.

The boy can see the dog's tongue now, long and red, it droops loosely from his mouth. The struggles are diminished now, reduced to quivers and involuntary spasms, but the torture is not finished. The man cannot drag the body of the dog through the closing door. The shopkeeper emerges to prevent him from entering. No sounds The wild gestures say it all.

No effort is made to to save the dog, only to remove the offender from the store. In this, the shopkeeper is successful, but by the time the man has been forced back onto the street, he is dragging a corpse. The long red tongue makes a soft wet trail in the falling snow as it disappears into the forest of motion.

The bus is here.

Sunday, June 22, 2008

Portland Progress

Well, we have arrived at a point long coming but ever so hard to imagine, especially because I have thought about it for what seems like a lifetime.

In fact, it has been a lifetime. As I held Madelaine in my arms I would of course wonder what she would sound like, how she would talk and walk. I never thought about what she would 'do', in so far as a career, mostly because it was so far away, and because I was content to wait and see what see brought me.

Consequently, I never imagined her working in a kitchen until she brought it up, but as soon as she made it her ambition, I could see why it makes sense, and now I think it is fair to say that I share that ambition with her. I will certainly do whatever I can to help her, but I can see my time for doing this is growing short.

She attended Orientation at the Culinary Institute yesterday and received her uniforms after touring the kitchens, meeting the chefs and getting a first taste of 'the rules'.

Of these, which are many, the most important is to be in class on time and in uniform. For students, the uniform, is well, the same: Black steel-toed lace-up shoes, black and white checkered chefs pants, a crispt white double-breasted chefs coat with the WCI seal embroidered over the heart and a name tag (correctly spelled!) on the opposite side. Around the neck goes a hand-tied cravat (basically a white napkin, which is what chefs actually use) and atop the head (above the beaming smile) is what is called a 'commis' hat. It looks like a white skullcap, and it covers most of the hair. Students are required to be in a clean, pressed uniform at the beginning of every class, which means that if it gets dirty they have to go get a clean one from their locker.

Fortunately for Maddie, her apartment has a washer and dryer right in the unit, so she can keep her uniforms--they gave her five sets, along with the shoes--clean and pressed without having to make a trek to the laundromat.

The apartment is quite nice. It is a two-bedroom, 1 1/3 bath (which means that Maddie has a sink in her bedroom) apartment. Maddie got the larger bedroom because she was the one to find the apartment. We met her roommate Brittany (also a student at WCI) at the apartment shortly after we arrived last week, and (luckily)the two girls hit it off right away. Actually, it isn't surprising that they would at least seem compatible, since, after all, they have a good deal in common; Brittany is also in the Patissiere and Baking program with Maddie, they will have the same school schedule: 4pm to 9pm.

The apartment is actually in Beaverton, which is across the Willamette river about twenty minutes away by MAX, which is the light rail line that runs every ten minutes or so into the Portland city center, just a block from the WCI. The train is well-lit and very safe, and it runs well after nine pm, so she'll have no trouble or danger getting home at night. The walk from the MAX station to the apartment is about two, well-lit and public blocks.

Yesterday, we went to IKEA to shop for furnishings--specifically, a bed and desk--for the new apartment, and found it to be quite interesting. I say it that way because it was actually our first trip ever to this Swedish style sensation, even though I have perused their catalog from time to time. We went there thanks to Chris and Colleen, who provided a nice gift card to get Maddie started in the world the right way. In spite of misgivings--the parking lot is full of SUVs--I found the products to have the allure of the simple and the satisfaction of being inexpensive. Not cheap, in the more conventional wallymart way, but in a way that derives from simply being simple. If that makes sense.

But for some things, IKEA is simply over the top, or at least far too out of the way, so Madelaine also received a wonderful gift card to Target from Alexandra, which will help outfit the new place with all the little details that make it a livable home. Like sheets and pillowcases and towels, and silverware and pots and pans and shower curtains. Oeuf! What fun!

I certainly never anticipated just how much pleasure I would derive from this process. Today we will soon go over to Maddie's apartment (what a delight it is to say that) and get the bed, desk and chair set up and go shopping yet again! Ok, so maybe I am not all that thrilled about all the shopping, but know this: I am again truly happy, if only for this moment, and the pride I feel, if unanticipated, is not undeserved.

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Separation Anxiety

Although I've been looking forward to Maddie's transition to living away, the one part of the experience that was unanticipated was the separation anxiety.

Ironcially, I dismissed, or a least did not take as seriously as I might have, the anxiety the children felt as I left them alone in their room to sleep and now, as Maddie prepares to do the same to me, I am not ready.

Oh, yes I am, but there is a part of me, a very physical part, as the mind has come to terms with this event long ago-after all, we have been planning for this for nearly a year--but it is the body that refuses to let go without a struggle. This shouldn't surprise me, as I am quite familiar with the experience, lately, of being in physical pain when I have not a cut or bruise on my outer body to show for it.

Yet, the day approaches and I am not ready. Maddie is ready. I should be ready. I can be, but not tonite. Even though we are no longer at home, and the fact is that in less than a week I will return home without my daughter for the first time in eighteen years. Please, do not tell me that she has been away before. Of course I know that, but always to return home. It is the view from the side of the nest, as we stare unbelievingly into the distance that will bear up our offspring in the next, last moment of our lives that all mammals--and perhaps some birds--share. A part of us dies in that moment, and another part lives on, outside of us and all control we will ever have.

There is no secret to immortality. There is none. It's a cliche, of course, as are all self evident truths which we forget so frequently and with such regularity that we have to make up oft-repeated aphorisms and bits of wisdom, so often, in fact that they become cliche by virtue of their fundamental worth, and, perhaps by extension, of our ability to forget them.

So it is with immortality. Artists will tell you that it is art alone that achieves this state, but they, in their self-satisfied certainty that comes with talent, fail to recall that even art is subject to the inevitable decay that is the nature of matter itself. Even be they parents, it is easy for artists to value the art over the genetics because of their higher calling, but those of us who are merely parents can tell you that if there be anything to approach immortality, it would be procreation. It makes sense to me that the act of sex should be so supremely enjoyable to primates, since we have, I believe, in our genes the intent, if not the means, to immortality. It is our reason for being here. Being here.

So, as I watch Maddie move out into the very same world--and let no one tell you that it has changed, for the basics are unchanged since we first split into two tribes--it is her ability to cope and fare well through obstacles both merely irritating and potentially deadly to which I have entrusted my shot at immortality. All that stands in the way now is a few hours and the bittersweet separation anxiety of the last moment.

Sunday, June 15, 2008

Elephant Man

In my efforts to cope with Pierre's death, I have struggled with metaphors for the thoughts and emotions that I have and feel. Last night I found this analogy and have found the strength to write about it, even if this subject may make readers uncomfortable on this Father's Day. Take some comfort in the fact that I have never taken this day seriously, nor will I allow it now to become a symbol of something it never was. So, on this day, I'll manifest a bit more than the usual sanguinity, if you will. I ask your indulgence or suggest you wait for a more delicate post should this be upsetting.

I feel mutilated, as if a major part of me has suddenly been lopped off.

I have always had a secret fear of mutilation, of losing a finger or an arm, especially in the restaurant business, with so many 'built-in' dangers. I have had some serious cuts, but fortunately, all extremities are still intact. One of the manifestations of fear is to exaggerate the danger to heighten awareness so the threat is overwhelmed. Often this leads mistakes that favor the attacker.

Sometimes I cannot believe that the mutilation is not visible to others. Often I will imagine that it is, and that others are staring at it, or trying not to, looking furtively only when they think I am not looking. But the wound is so sensitive that it can feel the touch of a single eye passing across its brined and twisted surface. This disfiguration is ashamed of itself and seeks to shun the pitiful gaze of the onlooker, if only be cause it knows, as only the horribly ugly can ever know, that others are secretly delighted by the sight.

The horror they think they feel is actually a secret pleasure that begins somewhere in the deep and ancient self-consciousness as a survival mechanism but is, in today's cerebral map, now connected directly with the pleasure centers that are tickled by car wrecks, airplane crashes and other bits of modern devastation that make us say, mentally, 'Thank God that's not me!' I guess to survive we obviously need to avoid mutilation but to know what not to do, we have become fascinated with horrible, unthinkable injury.

And so it is with the death of a child. At least this is how it feels for me. I suppose, when I am able to expand my vision to include those who have suffered a similar loss, I'll begin to express these feelings as somehow universal, but for now, I feel them so intensely as personal that I shall not shrink from expressing them as if I am the first, and only person to go though this sort of unexpected change to my psychic (for want of a better word) self.

Truly, I am closer to the goal than even this suggests, but we are now only in the fourth month since Pierre died, and each time I look in the mirror (ie, these notes and comments) I see that it has indeed healed considerably and is not so horribly disfiguring as I imagined.

One of the things I have thought about for many years has been how I would deal with a disfiguring accident that resulted in the loss of an limb or worse. How would I deal with being in a wheelchair for the rest of my life?
Oh, in this easy world of imaginings, I saw myself as the gracious sort, the one about whom others would say, 'Oh he is so gracious! Even though he's in a wheelchair, he has such a positive attitude!'

Right. I have, of course, spent zero time in a wheelchair, and now feel as if I might be one of those other sorts, who is bitter and resentful of his injury, and scorns the looks and shuns the aid of others who would look or dare to try and help.

Actually I can't imagine being at that end of the spectrum either, so it is likely that I'll manifest some attributes of both these styles, if you will, creating yet another incarnation of myself. Interestingly, though the shape be different, I can't help but feel the same in more ways than I feel changed, causing me to wonder if this injury is not so great as I first thought.

And so it is. I know yet I do not. I feel yet I do not. Each day is new and each has some of the same. Knowing that I am part of the larger cycle is probably the greatest single impact that Pierre's death has had on me.

Oh, I have for many years paid lip-service to this larger whole, but now, as I grow older and with the keen introspection that has come with grief, it actually means something. No longer am I able to turn from it. I must turn toward the light, as it were, and with serious effort, discern what it is illuminating in me.

Friday, June 13, 2008

Portland Bound!

Suddenly I am keenly ware that this is Madelaine's last week at home. The idea, the thought itself is nothing new. We have, after all, been planning for this for sometime. The pieces are all starting to fall into place.

First of all, she graduated! We have the diploma and the final set of grades, which were remarkably good. She made all A's and B's in her last semester and passed all of her final exams! She's legit!

Next, we have gotten an apartment for her in Beaverton, which is a suburb of Portland. It is just about ten minutes from downtown via the MAX, which is their fast, clean and inexpensive light rail system. And from the MAX stop in Beaverton, her apartment is a two-minute, well-lit walk, so it should be very convenient for her.

We may have arranged for a roommate as well. Maddie's been in touch with a young woman named Brittany who will, like her, be starting the Patisserie and Baking program out of high school. I say 'may' because the school put the two girls together and I haven't been in the loop. We will meet her next week when we go to to apartment complex to sign on the dotted line.

I have a good feeling that it will all work out, but even though we haven't got it all firmed up, so to speak, we are going ahead with the plan to put her in this two-bedroom apartment. Then, if the roommate falls through and we can't find another, we can move her to a one-bedroom apartment in the same complex.

The apartment will be available to move in on the 27th, so hopefully by the time I leave on the 24th (I can only stay a week), we will have worked out all the details and it will be up to Valery to help her get settled in. Valery will stay in Portland till July 8, just to keep an eye on Miss M.

Now, I think there's a good chance that she'll just be in the way as the girls get to know one another and settle into a routine. I think she will thus have some time to explore Portland on her own. At the very least, Valery will spend a couple of days in Powell's Bookstore, I am sure.

The only other thing we have 'hanging' now is the job. Maddie will be expected to work part-time while she is in school. This is for two reasons. First, it prepares the student for life in the 'real-world' by exposing them to the work environment even as they are learning the skills to compete. It's a chicken-egg dilemma where one simply does and learns by doing so you can say you know how to do it. There is a lot of trial-and-error and a lot of hidden-mentoring that goes on at this level. She must, as we say, 'pay her dues' just to get in the club. So, the school works with local employers and pretty much guarantees that the student can get some kind of job, even if it is not directly related to their program. Thus, Maddie may not work in a bakery, though that's what we are hoping for.

The job and school will mean that she has very little free time. There is a washer/dryer in the apartment so she can keep her uniforms clean and pressed, and we're getting her a laptop with which to stay connected (email & Skype) and do her homework when needed. The school provides internet access in the library, and that may be the extent of it. I don't plan on paying for internet access at her apartment, nor, get ready for it, TV! This will be a long nine months for Miss M, but I am ever more convinced that she will do it and with flying colors!

Thursday, June 12, 2008

The Bus Ride

The first half hour is as frenetic as it ever was. Get up. Get dressed. Water on to boil. Grind the coffee. Prepare the snacks, get the pen, the wallet, the glasses (both pairs?). Whew. Not yet. Shave, get phone, keys, cap. Wait paperwork for today? Ok, almost out the door. Coffee? Change? Cap? keys. Oh yeah I have them already.

Then the drive. O so short, just up the hill I don't want to tackle at 8am and off to the parking lot across from the bus stop. 8:03. Bail. Cross the street. Breathe.

Taking the bus is a commitment. Since it only runs every half hour, I have to plan it carefully, but the effort is worth it. It is worth it, not just in savings on gasoline/money, which, these days, at $4+ a gallon, is a good motivation for parking the truck and riding the bus. It is worth the effort because it is something I actually enjoy and even look forward to. I am certainly not doing it to 'go green', although the happy coincidence is that is does all of the above.

The ride starts with a half-filled bus already. The riders are the same as they've ever been, on every bus I've ever ridden to work, here, in England and France. Blue collar workers and college students. These days, and in this place, this means Hispanic women and the rather dark but clean looking community college students. I suppose that even though I am technically in a white collar job, I have always considered myself to be a member of the working class, and have always taken some pride in that.

The bus winds its way down Westgate Boulevard after I get on, past the rows of duplexes and low rent apartment complexes that line the road up to the intersection with Lamar Boulevard. Today the road was also line with families waiting for a lost or very late school bus. Moms and grandmoms and uncles and aunts stood patienetly with their toddlers and grade schoolers as our bus roared by. By the time we reach Lamar, the bus is full and one person is standing.

Lamar is almost like a time warp as I watch it roll by the big windows. Some of the businesses have been here since before I got here in 1969. Like the Broken Spoke, which, with it's dirt parking lot and ramshackle assembly of weather worn buildings and, of course, the Lone Star bus, is literally an Austin icon. Then there is the Martinez brothers Taxidermist at Oltorf, right next to the XXX bookstore, and across the street from the old Phillips 66 station that has been, for the past twenty years, a State Inspection Station well know for it's rather laid-back approach to the art of car inspecting. I took my decrepit and barely-running VWs there for many years and kept them on the road thanks to the old Lebanese fellow who still runs the shop. I see him out side, puffing on a cigarette, examining the latest rust heap to roll into his bay.

Up comes the Party Pig, which is next to Lone Star Grill and Propane. Both have been there for ten, maybe twenty years. there is the discount tire place, no more than a cinderblock bunker that spills out it's tires to the street every morning. I don't but somebody must be buying tires from these guys. Someone is buy tacos at Maria's Taco Xpress, which, thanks to Walgreen's, is not set back just enough that traffic no longer spills out onto Lamar and blocks our progress. Progress is Lamar. On past the Southwood center with the Alamo Draft House and Maudie's Cafe.

Next, the Rising Sun Automotive shop and the taco stand in behind it. There is Aamco transmission, then Uchi restaurant, Doc Holliday's Pawn, Austin Reprographics and the Bicycle Sport Shop as we roll down to Barton Springs. Ah McDonald's. And across the street, Jack in the Box.

Tucked in behind the Taco Cabana and the new apartment complex that now takes up most of the stretch between here and Town Lake is the nine-hole, par three city-run golf course know as Butler Park Pitch-n-Putt, but you have to look quickly to see it any more. Across the street, the old Binswanger Glass company has been torn down and another condo complex is rising in it's place. Next door to that is the Schlotszkys, with at least has the feel of having been here a while but it too is only about ten years young.

Next up we cross Town Lake. The construction here is frenetic these days. There are at least three thirty-story condominium complexes being built along the lake today, and much more reorganization of the lake front at Lamar is under way. Today there were no fewer than six cranes gathered at that corner, preparing the ground for yet another skyscraper. It's more than symbolic, though it is that for sure.

As soon as we emerge on the other side of the lake, we see the Whole Foods Complex, with brightly colored waving flags and a cool city chicness that is the opposite of the small town flavor of South Lamar. Now we are on North Lamar, roaring past the Lone Star Saloon, then the old/newly renovated Tavern at twelfth street, then winding our way up towards the hill on which the UT Tower is perched. I can see it, of course as we pass the Texas Medical Association headquarters and the miniature Eiffel Tower that marks the Antique Store across he intersection with Martin Luther King Boulevard.

We have entered the campus area now, and my stop approaches, at 24th, just past the old Eisley School building (still pink!) and finally the Caswell Tennis courts, where I descend from the bus and begin my walk to work.

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

City Boy

The old doctor squinted at me as I examined his sun beaten face for traces of the boy I'd known.

"I hated it."

The foolishness of this errand flooded my brain as the hot blood made it pound. Not since I arrived at school in second grade wearing the clown's outfit I was supposed to wear in the play later that day have I been so mortified. I wanted to run. Escape without another word, but his gaze had me fixed. I knew I had to take it.

"What?"

"Everything." He paused, turned and spit. The brown juice lingered a moment in the dry yellow clay, then vanished as the earth absorbed the precious liquid and left the remains for the ants.

Even the dirt is the same, I thought. How much else is unchanged? I looked past my old friend for a moment to take in the house. The same house. Is that possible?

"I hated my old man. I hated this house. I hated this dirt."

"Me too?"

"Nah. I don't remember much 'bout you, tell the truth."

Now that hurt. I have long ago ceased to hide my emotions as they cross my face, so lean it is that there is no room for deception, so if he was looking, he'd have seen that.

He wasn't looking. I wasn't prepared for this. The blow is always harder than you anticipate and always easier to recover from than you believe at the time. I caught my breath. I could feel the heat. Same goddam heat. It made the moment that much more awkward. Fueled by the heat and the doctor's bluntness, the false hopes that brought me here were incinerated. Yet, I could not move.

"But you remember, right? All those weekends?"

"Some of 'em. I know you got hurt a lot. You were a city boy. Look like you still are." If he had a smile, that was it.

I laughed. Truly, I was, or had been, in his eyes, a city boy. But Abilene in 1962 was still like living on the frontier. Whether we actually lived in the country or in town, ours was place in a time when we were only a generation or two removed from the original settlers of the land. It seemed to me that only the strips of asphalt that had been cut crudely into the dry West Texas landscape were evidence that this wasn't a hundred years earlier.

After all, we had only to duck under a 'bob-wire' fence and head out into the mesquite and cactus to tread upon land that may not have ever seen a human footprint. There are city boys who've never seen prickly pear cactus or a mesquite tree, but today I was again on the other side of the divide. It had been so long, I'd forgotten it even existed, yet in instant, it all came back to me.

I have, embracing the false fantasy of my youth, simply imagined that I was once a country boy. It seems that convincing myself of the fictions of the past is far easier than fulfilling what fantasies of the future still remain.

Monday, June 9, 2008

A Stage in the Kitchen

So, the journey has already begun. This past Saturday, I arranged for Kelly to take Madelaine into the kitchen at Hudson's for what is know as a stage. This is part of the now centuries-old apprenticeship tradition of the kitchen. Aspiring chefs who want to work for another older and more established chef, will, to prove their worth and interest in the job, work for a day or at most a week for free. During this time, the aspirants are likely fed, but receive little else.

The purpose of the stage is more than just an offer of free labor in exchange for a chance at a job. It is a submission to the reality of the system that requires that new entrants to any kitchen be tested as thoroughly as possible before they are put on the line.

This is strictly self-preservation. No one wants to put someone on the line who will not be able to measure up, as this will just increase the burden on the chefs who can produce, and most likely on a night when no one can take on any more. Thus the system tests for weakness early and even though it's not foolproof, it does at least weed out those individuals who merely thought they had the stamina to last twelve hours on your feet in a hot, cramped kitchen.

Fortunately, I think Madelaine did well in her stage. She helped to prepare the bread, cutting and weighing out the loaves. She peeled and chopped and sliced vegetables and carried dirty dishes to the dish station and generally tried to stay out of the way when it got busy.

Even though Maddie was a complete rookie and a mere guest in the kitchen, Kelly was most gracious and helped her find things to do, and even didn't fuss at her when she got tired. She did in fact stay on her feet nearly the entire twelve hours, from noon to midnite, and complained only of sore feet at the very end. She was, after her shift, still bright and active and even hungry. We stopped off at an all-nite diner to have breakfast at one in the morning. Now there is a tradition for those of us in the business!

I was of course proud of Maddie for graduating from High School earlier this week, but the pride I felt as I watched her work was immeasurably greater! I hate to look too far into the future, so let's just say that the chef's jacket suited her perfectly, and I can see her in it for a lifetime of creative challenges. We've a long way to go, and this is just the first step.

Next...Portland!

Saturday, June 7, 2008

Graduation: II!

At long last, we had our day! Yesterday was Maddie's graduation ceremony. In spite of the fact that it was held in the cavernous Erwin Center, which meant that the best view we had of Madelaine as she got her diploma came on the big screen above the stage. Fortunately, they have a photographer on hand to record the moment, so whatever blurry images I managed to capture will not be the only record of the event.

But pictures weren't the object of the exercise. I have come to understand the value of a public ceremony as a way of marking a significant event, but never in such a practical way as I felt yesterday.

Just being in the auditorium with all the other proud parents and family members gave me an unexpected sense of pride. Unexpected because we put so much effort into the final six weeks that I had not yet allowed myself to consider what all the work was for.

Now, this may seem short-sighted, but in the end, we knew that if Maddie didn't pass all her classes, it would derail her plans for Culinary School, which begins in about three weeks. Nonetheless, all the worry was likely exaggerated since she didn't just pass, but actually finished the last six weeks with some pretty good grades. Interesting, since grades are no longer a concern, after so many years, it seems comical that we even cared!
Maddie was delighted, to say the least. She said that she felt as though a great weight had been lifted from her shoulders, and I think we all understand that feeling. For me, I think the sense of accomplishment is critically important because this is a feeling we need to experience in order to build on it. Even if the exercise is a seemingly artificial one, the result has practical value.

Knowing that she can finish something is just part of it; the fact that she has finished it made apparent in her diploma, proof to the world that she has done something difficult.

Maddie, I am very proud of you!

Monday, June 2, 2008

Graduation: I!

Ok, this is it. The last week of High School for Madelaine!

It is hard to believe, after all these years, but here we are. Friday, June 6, 2008 is Graduation Day!

Well, this is almost it. We still have one agonizing week--four days, actually-- of final exams, two of which are 'must pass' for Miss M., if you know what I mean. I am feeling guilty now because we are at the end and i feel that the closeness of the finish is a reflection on my ability to prepare her, and, given that inadequacy, we don't even want to go into my doubts and fears about the WCI and Portland.

Fear is a paralytic thing. If you just let a little creep in, it begins to take over. Suddenly, things about which you were formerly confident don't seem like such 'no-brainers' anymore. Hesitation is death in the natural world, and I sense that being marked by death can result in that sort of paralytic fear. I have resolved, here and elsewhere, with my family and friends, not to allow this fear to paralyze me, and, if I can, prevent my doubts from spilling out and infecting or affecting others, especially Maddie.

So, the watchword for this week is patience. This mountain is large one and every time I think I'm doing well, I'll hit any icy patch. Fortunately, I'm tied off to Valery, who, even though she doesn't realize it all the time, is actually leading the way. When your 'regular' sense have been dulled or injured, as have mine, you must rely on the sixth sense of your natural guides, and in this case, that is Valery. I see her up above me, leading the way, laughing and crying as she explores the unknown even before she reveals it to me.

Sunday, June 1, 2008

Amends

An interesting consequence of the particular circumstances of Pierre's death has been my exposure to a phenomenon called 'Amends'.

Now, I am sure, to many this will seem like an observation a long time in coming, especially given the fact that Pierre was a known drug abuser and died as a result of injudicious drug use and a failure to understand the consequences of that abuse, both for himself and those who loved him.

I mean, realistically, we might have been introduced to the '12 Steps' in a formal way long before B. came to use us to obtain his 9th level merit badge or coin or whatever they reward the 'Steppers' with these days. No, the truth of it is, I have known about the 12 Step program, as many people do, apocryphally, in stories that others have told me about AA and the quasi-religious 12 step program that is at its core.

So, though I have 'friends' who are in AA, not only do I not have an alcoholic 'in recovery' in my immediate life, I have never actually known anyone well who is, or has made known to me, a 'Stepper'.

This is telling, since it is proof that we never induced Pierre to enter such a program, though he did go through a drug rehabilitation program that required certain elements of the Steps to be observed, or at least acknowledged, like connecting the actions of an abuser with the feeling of the loved ones who are hurt by the abuse, but the specifically Christian elements of the program he rejected out of hand, and, I confess I did nothing to reverse.

Nor do I, at this moment, think that I might have been able to influence him in that way, as if the fatal die had been cast long before the drugs actually entered his life. That is another story. Nonetheless, I see that I had an opportunity to explore the 12 Steps and perhaps let it slip away.

Or did I? It turns out that the steps came looking for me. When B. called Valery to ask if he could meet with us to make 'amends', my open skepticism and pre-judgment disappointed Valery considerably, and she counseled me, wisely, not just to 'reserve judgment'--my term, which obviously implies a final judgment--but not to judge at all. 'It's his show,' she said, and quite rightly. Now it was her turn to be skeptical as I agreed with her and promised not only to be nice, but to remain open to B. and his pain and allow him to grow through whatever phase it was he was going through. After all, it it seemed a simple task to meet with him and listen.

Interestingly, the first day he was supposed to call us at noon, to set the time and place to meet, but at twelve there was no call. Then one, then two o'clock came and he finally called to say that he had been delayed but could meet now. Valery told him that the day was not good for us, but honestly she was protecting him from what she sensed might have been the very reaction I had promised not to have. It isn't as if she didn't trust me. It happens that, these days, we do not trust ourselves with the very deepest and rawest of emotions. We are healing around the edges, and we must, for now, leave the center open and tender while we shrink the wound. Her instinct was right, and we left till the following day our encounter with 'Amends'.

Now I should say that to me, the delay was merely a bit of evidence that the old abuser habits--not respecting others people's space and time--had not left young B. I still feel the same way, now that I've been 'amended' so to speak. I think it a simple matter to call when you say you will call and show up when and where you say you will show up. It's one of the most basic courtesies we offer one another. Or don't.

Not wasting someone's time and resources can often be as sensitive a gift as not giving one something that is essentially unwanted. Like, say, a matching pen and pencil set or, an 'amend', perhaps. Courtesy for others is the most basic building block of adulthood. Frankly, we all know people who have have undertaken yet failed at this very challenge, and live their entire lives as though they are one-character plays, the rest of us be dammed. These are the abusers, and even if it is only our time they can abuse, they will indeed do that. If we let them.

Not to exaggerate, though, as this sort of 'abuse' is not only at a very low level, but it is also a common discourtesy that we share in this modern era. Nonetheless, I find that I do not, for anyone's sake, have to be abused, even in the smallest way. I may choose to avoid those people who would waste my time and energy or worse. And if I do, can anyone blame me?

Now I'll not start a crusade against drugs, nor will I harangue innocent youth for the failures I too have faced. No, it's more a matter of resignation, a recognition that the time and energy I have left is best dedicated to those who will use and appreciate them wisely. For reasons of self-preservation, I shall keep those resources to myself and resolve to spend them on Valery, Madelaine, and, for example, for Pierre's best friend, Sean, who has proved in almost every way to be the opposite of our potential penitent. Even before he met us, B had yet to actually demonstrate that the hour or two we were about to give him would even be worth it.

If it sounds as if I had my doubts on meeting the boy at a local restaurant with Valery and Maddie, I'll admit, I had a few. I did my best to remain open and neutral, even as I felt my heart sink on seeing him. The first thing I saw, honestly, was the silver crucifix he had dangling out mid-chest and this gave me pause. Understand that I have no particular feelings about the crucifix either way. I am not put off by it, but the public display that a crucifix represents is, or at least was in this situation, disappointing, because it made me wonder who the intended audience is for the public affirmation achieved by wearing the Cross(or Star of David, or any religious symbol). Fortunately, he made no mention of religion, and my discomfort on that count was for naught, though on other counts it quickly became clear that we were faced with someone who was, as Valery had so presciently observed, working on his own 'show' and was not, in the end, verily interested in our feelings at all.

For one thing, one of the first things he told us was that after Pierre died, after the wake, and all the words of hope that were offered and promises made to change lives, B. went and not only binged on a cocktail of drugs and alcohol, but managed to nearly kill himself the way Pierre had. Hmmm. After being released from the hospital, he went to rehab for the seventh time.

It didn't take.

He fought with another inmate on the first day and was expelled. He justified this by explaining that he'd exacted, in this lovely moment of violence, a debt owed Pierre by some low-life dealer now in rehab himself, vainly trying to salvage his own miserable existence. That meant nothing to me. I don't want revenge. I want Pierre.

So after that, another binge and another, count it, eight, trip to rehab! My impression? Here's a guy who really likes rehab! Addicted to the 12 steps? Yep.

Eight is, apparently, not enough.

I say this not to put him down, which is why I haven't named him, but I can be honest here. Nothing in his eyes, or in the movement of his hands seemed to support his words. He made his 'Amends', and asked what he could do to 'make things right'. He went though the motions, and we allowed it.

And why not? What were we supposed to say to this? Do I even want to have any more to do with a pathetic creature like this? No. I had one of my own, and would now, do almost anything to have him back, but it shall not be.

So, in the end, we gave the young man the blessing he had come for, though, I confess, Valery's spirit was and is always so much truer than mine. She always knows the right path through these moments. I left her hand on the tiller, so to speak, as we maneuvered through the perilous waters of making 'Amends'. The relief in his frame when we asked nothing of him was most visible. The conversation, though it focused on him and his hopes and plans, gradually steered towards the door.

There was little to say after that, and though I heard him recite his plans, it was just a recitation, honed in many hours of 'group' and long nights laying awake, plotting escape. In fact, I fear that B will never escape. Honestly, after we said goodbye on that bright Memorial Day afternoon, I do not expect to see him again.

Friday, May 30, 2008

Coming Back to Pierre

Recently someone asked me to write more about Pierre. My response was, in hindsight, ungracious, since I pretended not to have anything to write about. But truth be known, it is hard for me to write about him now because the pain is still so fresh.

Recently I have read C.S. Lewis' wonderful book "A Grief Observed". I found in this slim volume more wisdom and clear unfettered thought about the universality of the process than I could have known till this day. For those readers who would know about what I am experiencing, a brief encounter with this book will tell you all you need to know. It is as if he took the very thoughts and feelings and words right out of my head, heart and gut.

This week I have been most ill, and in the throes of restless nights and ruminant discomfort come the thoughts of even worse nights to come, The cycle of doubt and uncertainty begins to rage and and I, with so few reserves at this point, find myself in the unfamiliar position of doubting my strength to carry on.

Fortunately the stomach virus or whatever it was has passed and I am now on the road to recovery. Still, when I was so very ill, tossing and turning in bed, I could not help but think that the many manifestations of grief are still unknown to me. Am I ill because I grieve, or am I simply ill? I have no idea.

Nor do I expect to. How, in just a few months, could I possibly explore the depths and possibilities that grief has brought me? Just knowing that it will be a long time healing doesn't help, of course. I want to be healed. I want the very thing I cannot have, not now, maybe not ever. The awful rapacious thoughts that consume my mind at night--when rest should be it's goal--are taking a toll on it, and I fear that no amount of writing, or certainly tears shed are going to make any difference in the way I feel.

I can say this. No day, no hour, no minute goes by that I still do not think of him. The violent flood of emotion that consumed me early on is now merely a raging torrent. That is some progress, I guess, but each day brings a new reminder; the arrow-like thought that pierces before it is even visible. I look down and there it is. I dare not pull it out lest all the life force drain from my body, yet I cannot continue to fight so wounded. So I retreat, waiting to find my strength. I'll come back.

Thursday, May 22, 2008

Dog Days of an Abilene Summer

I sat at the kitchen table, staring at the brushed blue aluminum cup in front of me, waiting for the shot. I could taste the aluminum in my mouth when it came. The crack me me jump. I looked up at Paul.

"Was that it?"

"Yeah."

"Maybe he missed."

"Nah, he don't miss."

"But it was just one shot!"

"That's all he needs."

I knew he was right but I held on to hope for a minute. Then I heard his footsteps on the back porch, the click of the breech of the rifle and the clink of the shell on the concrete. As he came in to put away the gun, I could smell the lingering odor of gunpowder drifting through the room. I didn't look up at him.

It was only just past six in the evening, but it had been a long day. Even then, the memory seems as it does now, faint and distant, as if seen through a long paper tube. I can see it and smell it but I have limited it to that tiny area for now forty-five years.

Allen Glenn was an attorney who had an office in town but whose home was out in the country. He and his wife 'Emo' (her nickname - I have no idea what her real name was) and their three children, Paul, Caroline and oh ack I can't recall the name of the youngest, a girl. Paul was my 'best' friend, even though we didn't see each other but on weekends, and not every weekend at that. His mother and my mother had become friends through their mutual involvement with the Abilene art scene, such as it was back in the late fifties and early sixties.

Emo was, like Lynda, a painter, struggling to find the inspiration as well as the resources to practice her art. Like Lynda, she was forced to paint in the kitchen, after all the dishes were done and children off to bed. Her work was figurative, and many of Lynda's early 'portraits' are reminiscent of Emo's work, though the two never painted together, as far as I can recall.

Emo had an infectious laugh and a positive spirit. In my mind, she was that sort of mid-fifties pioneer woman who represented a whole different culture than the one Lynda had come from in New York, yet the two had much in common and often spent time together talking while we played in the yard and had our many adventures out in the woods that surrounded the Glenn home.

These were some of the greatest times of my life, but they were not without difficulty. For one thing, it seemed that it was always up to me to invite myself over to the Glenn's house every weekend. Even though we had what seemed to me to be some wonderful times together, it never seemed to me like Paul valued our friendship in the same way that I did. I can still recall the anxiety that would well up in me every Friday as I anticipated the weekend. I was anxious because I knew it would be up to me to make a call if I wanted to see him that weekend. He would never call me. Sometimes, his mother would call, on his behalf, but I think it's just the way Lynda played it out for me. In fact she and Emo often made plans for a Saturday that would include 'getting the boys together' and some cocktails on the back porch in the afternoon. If no such plans were laid by Friday, if I wanted to see Paul, I had to call him and, in the spirit of fairness, invite him to come over to my house.

He did this, sometimes, but reluctantly, as I lived in town and there were not merely so many things to do as we could find out in the country. Whether or not they had a television I do not recall, but I do know we did not, so there was never any sort of inside activity that appealed to us. We spent all our time, dawn to dusk, outside, adventuring if we were lucky, laying around, bored in the heat, if we were not. And, unfortunately, we did far more of the latter than the former when he came to visit. It's no wonder he was reluctant to come over. We weren't allowed to shoot our bb guns, even in the back yard, so, even though we managed to fill the long hours with some sort of play, it wasn't our preferred activity.

What we wanted to do, morning till night whenever possible, was to take our bb guns out into the 'woods' and go 'hunting'. Both terms are in need of qualification, for both imply something that they were most decidedly not. For one thing, the 'woods' in which we played were merely thickly tangled and overgrown mesquite 'trees', which are in reality little more than woody shrubs with two-inch long needle sharp barbs emerging every six inches along it's gnarled and bent tendrils. Dusted only lightly with tiny leaves, these 'trees' begin to offer shelter only when they become so think that a person can not walk through them. We had the advantage of small size but were still unable to make our way through some areas lest we get trapped or worse, stabbed in the arm or leg with one of those infernal needles. Even the slightest poke would immediately get red and swollen and itch as if it were a wasp sting, which it closely resembled in form and feeling. I had plenty of yellow jacket attacks and honestly preferred the insect sting to the dull aching hurt of the mesquite needle.

Neither form of pain compared though, with the insidious and unrelenting discomfort that came with an encounter with a prickly pear cactus. At the very least, one could, with some care and attention, manage not to get stuck with a mesquite needle, but there seemed to be no way to avoid at least one brush with a prickly pear, no matter haw careful you were. There were just too many of them. They often grew in patches that could get up to twenty feet in diameter and over six feet high. I am referring to cacti that had no natural enemies in this harsh environment. They thrived while other vegetation shrank in the withering sun and at times it seemed that they were all that grew besides the mesquite. Avoiding the big patches was easy enough, but it was the little ones, hidden in a tuft of withered prairie grass or tucked under a rock that would attack without warning and almost without pain at first. You might notice when you kicked it, accidentally and think well, at least I didn't get stuck, but soon the burning would begin and you knew you were in for it. The prickly pear has two sets of needles, big and small.

The big ones are easy enough to avoid, and if not they can be pulled out with fingers, if you are careful not to break it off. If you are not careful, or get a bundle of the smaller hair-like barbs that grow around the base of the larger spines, you have to get out the tweezers and begin a very painful job of pulling as many two or three dozen teeny tiny little poison tipped daggers no bigger than a nose hair and ten times more painful to pull out. And heaven help you if you broke those guys off at skin level. Then it was just a matter of time till the body could absorb all the toxins and break down the tip of the barb. The problem was, the time was long, and nothing felt much worse than sleeping with the heat and throbbing set off with every tiny movement and touch.

So it was in this harsh west Texas land, still more frontier than civilized, that Paul and I found ourselves one Saturday morning, out by the edge of the 'tank' - an earthen berm around a low-lying bit of land filled with water pumped from the ground below. Many landowners had a tank for their cattle, but the Glenn's didn't have any cattle. The Glenn's tank also had an electric pump instead of a windmill, which meant that the water level in the tank remained fairly constant, enough for fish to grow and for us to swim and float in it on hot summer days. We were always tracking animals, and that morning, found a fresh set of tracks in the mud around the edge of the tank.

"A coyote?" I opined.

"Nope. It's a dog," said Paul. "Don't seem him though. We better look for him and run him off before Daddy gets home."

"Why?"

"Cause Daddy don't like dogs. He specially don't like stray dogs cause he says they're dangerous."

"Then why do you wanna find it?"

"Cause if Daddy see it first, he'll kill it."

"Nah, really? Why?"

"I told you, cause he don't like 'em. He'll give us a day to run him off but if that don't work, he'll shoot it."

I knew, of course, that Mr. Glenn was an avid hunter and very good with a gun. He had a collection of rifles and shotguns that were neither hidden nor locked away, but which resided in the hall closet in a rack where we often stood an admired the firepower we were hopeful of someday being able to make use of. But in my gun lust of those days, I hadn't really stopped to think about what the real function of those guns was.

After all, our hunting consisted of shooting our woefully underpowered bb guns at birds who invariably flew away after a bb passed near enough to make a sound but do no harm. Even bbs which hit their target had not force enough to penetrate the feathers of even the sickliest of white winged doves (our favorite target becasue they were big and slow, as opposed to the sparrows, which were too tiny to get in our sights and too fast to hit anyway. Often they would fly away at the sound of the gun going off and the bb would only approach it's target several milliseconds afte they'd taken wing.

As Paul revealed to me what his father would do if he encountered a stray dog on his property, it began to dawn on me that guns could be used to ends I had not anticipated nor would have allowed had I had the choice. Of course he could shoot a dog, but would he? Why? The answer Paul gave me was not satisfactory, but it didn't seem to matter as long as the dog was nowhere to be seen. Nothing to fear, no worries.

Then we saw the dog. Even from across the tank I could tell that it was a Collie. I should say here that I am not a dog 'person' if you will, and my ability to recognize a breed had more to do with the fact that I'd seen 'Lassie' and this was the one breed, other than a German Shepard, that I could easily recognize. Had it been a German Shepard instead of a Collie, things might have been different, for the affable Collie bounded over to greet us as soon as it spied us. It was a beautiful dog as I recall, even if that recollection may be enhanced by the inevitable end that he faced, I felt something special about him.

How he got there, and to whom he had belonged before he arrived on the Glenn's property I will never know. How he followed us around that day, in spite of our best efforts to scare him off, sticks with me more. He was obviously someone's pet, not feral or even starving, he had somehow gotten out of his territory and, in the middle of a grand adventure, gotten lost.

Certainly he wasn't trying to ask us for directions home, but then he wasn't afraid to seek out our companionship. Possibly he had more practical needs.

"You think he's hungry? I asked.

"Prob'ly."

"We should get him somthin' to eat."

"Nah. We should run him off."

"We can feed him then we can get him to run off," I said.

"We can't just let him starve."

"He aint starvin."

"Yeah, but he's hungry, and if we don't feed him he will be starving. We can't just let him go off hungry. Let's feed him, then we can run him off. After all, we got all day."

"We'll I s'pose we could give a meal for the road."

The Glenn's kept a 50 pound sack of dog food for their own three dogs in the garage. I ran back to the house and scooped up a coffee can full of food. Sure enough, the Collie was plenty happy to get that food, but in hindsight, this was the completely wrong thing to do. Try telling that to a couple of eight-year-olds who still know that they can change the world. Sometimes, an act of kindness, it seems, can set in motion the worst possible consequences. The most difficult part of life, for me has been, from that day till this, figuring out when it is appropriate to be kind and when it is necessary to be hard.

The remainder of the events that day are missing from my memory. I know that the Collie followed us all day, and in spite of our best efforts to make him leave, I think he sensed our kindness and assumed that no harm would come to him in our association. Sadly, the opposite was true, and I find myself wondering today if I might not have made this very mistake more than once.

My First Job - The Barn: Part 1

"You ever shot yo gun?"

The question was posed to me by a fellow busboy who sat crouched next to me in the back of the waiters station. We had our backs to the partition that divided our space from the dining room, squatting below the glass racks and in between the linen bag and the trash can whose rancorous odor I can recall with more clarity than any other detail. The dim light of a single lamp was enough to see the metal sink in front of us and make out the profile of my questioner to whom I turned with some uncertainty. He was a bulky black kid of my age whose name I cannot now recall, but I have never forgotten that question.

"Sure" I said. I have no recollection as to just how convincing this sounded, but I do remember that I although I had a couple of ways to interpret that question, no answer but the one I came up with that sounded at all convincing. After all, I had indeed shot 'a gun' but I was pretty sure that wasn't what he he was asking about. Now if, perhaps, he was asking if I had fired a weapon, I might not have remembered the incident with such clarity, but as a virgin, I think it is fair to say at least that this is what I was hoping he meant but in my heart (and elsewhere) I knew otherwise.

But he didn't press me on details, thankfully, choosing instead to answer his own question for himself and me. This quickly confirmed that we weren't talking about firearms, since he had, apparently, recently 'shot his gun' to his detriment. He said that he'd gotten his girlfriend pregnant and was being forced to marry her. He warned me, in essence, not to do it unless I knew what I was doing. The warning wasn't necessary, as I was really sufficiently terrified by sex at the time to know with some confidence that I was not about to be 'shooting my gun' anytime soon.

I probably hadn't been on the job for more than an hour when I faced this question. What I remember most about my first job is being scared. I was so scared that, in hindsight, it is amazing to me that I even got the job, to say nothing of how amazed I am that I actually survived. And I haven't just survived, I've thrived. The restaurant business has been in my blood, so to speak, since that day. Perhaps I just love being scared.

This restaurant was called The Barn. Owned by a long-time Austin restaurant entrepreneur Jack Ray, The Barn was a classic steak and seafood place way out on the northwest edge of town. Back then, of course, Mo-Pac didn't even exist, and only one road went out that far north, Balcones Drive. At the time, it was so far out of 'town' that it was considered to be a special trek by the many people who ate there.

Interestingly, although this was long before the concept of fine dining had been introduced to Austin, it didn't mean that the food was poor. In fact, as a testament to the quality of the food, the customers were legion; and the place was packed every Friday and Saturday night, with at least three or four 'turns' of every table in the house! It was the kind of place that you took a business partner with money to do a deal, or the whole family when the mother-in-law was in town (or just 'over to the house' as we say). There was also an adjoining banquet room called 'The Silo' where many a wedding reception and family reunion was held.

The Barn was dark and smoky and mysterious, and to me at the time, it seemed like a 'high class' place. There were white tablecloths and red napkins, red cut-glass water glasses (we called them rubies) and when patrons were seated at table, they were greeted immediately with a huge chunk of swiss cheese on a cutting board with a serrated steak knife stabbed into the top. It was accompanied by another cutting board and serrated knife that bore and offered means to dismember at hot, moist miniature loaf of white bread.

It was my job, among others, to deliver these two items along with water to the table, as soon as after the guests were seated as possible. At first I really struggled with the weight because even though the damn block of cheese only weighed three or four pounds, we had to carry it in one hand while we carried the bread in the other. I wasn't very strong when I started, but it didn't take me long to get in shape.

The busboys were were forbidden to eat anything, especially the cheese and bread, and as a consequence of this prohibition I wanted to eat constantly, especially that cheese and bread. I did, of course, with every opportunity. Were we to be caught, we were assured that we would be fired, but naturally this didn't deter our appetites, it only increased them. I use the plural here because it wasn't just me, but all the busboys and even some of the waiters who experienced this odd bread and cheese lust. In spite of--or perhaps because of--the prohibition, we gorged ourselves on the sweet bread and tangy cheese at every available opportunity in the back of the waiters station. We did it on the way back from the table, back in the dish station, the kitchen, the bathroom and anywhere else we could turn away long enough to shove a big moist warm wad of sweet white dough into our mouths and swallow so fast it hurt.

Now, to be fair, I have never been terribly fond of swiss cheese and wasn't even back when I was sixteen. But, for some reason, it was apparently the absolute height of culinary delight for me to carve off a sick chunk of pasty white cheese and wolf it down without even tasting it, all while working and without allowing the manager to witness it. It was quite the feat, actually, and one that we pulled off with considerable regularity.

Of course there were other things to eat. When it came to eating, while bread and cheese were the most easily obtained foodstuffs for us busboys, it was the oft-maligned and ever-denied practice of eating food off customers plates as they were returned to the kitchen that held the greatest reward. There were perfect bites of charbroiled steak to be had, untouched baked potatoes slathered with butter, sour cream, cheddar cheese, bacon and chives. These items not eaten by customers were too tempting to pass up. Even if we knew that someone had eaten off the plate, or even more precisely, eaten off the other side of the plate, it did not diminish in the slightest our lust for the food thereon.

It is worth nothing that this practice, known as 'bus tub buffet' continues to this day in every restaurant on the planet. Denial of it, is of course, de rigeur, but in fact, even the chefs pull a bit off a plate coming back now and then, if only just to see why someone didn't eat it. It's not as if every restaurant employee is starving so much they need to steal food off the customers' returning plates, but it is a habit that is much like families who eat off one another's plate as a way of socializing and sharing food.

This brings me to an important aspect of why that first day was not my last; why I have continued on the journey through the restaurant business for now more than 35 years. It didn't take long for me to realize that this life is not for everybody.

Most people who work in restaurants do so when they are young and inexperienced. They do it because they need the money, but as soon as they finish school or join the marines, they leave and don't come back. Only a few individuals remain in the business past the age of twenty or so, and even fewer decide to become professionals for life. If they do, it is because they really do 'get' all that.

I was sixteen when I went to work at The Barn, and I have been working in restaurants almost continuously ever since. The reason for this longevity in the business has primarily to do with the sense of belonging to a family, but there are also the aspects of hard, fast-paced work, serving people who are (for the most part, hopefully) having a good time, and ultimately, making a living while doing something enjoyable. I've written about this a bit in my essay 'A Real Job' and it continues to be an important thread in this tapestry I have begun weaving about restaurants.

The damn bread and cheese at The Barn, however, almost proved to be my undoing, even before I got started. More in part 2.

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Writing about Restaurants

This week I began my research into my first freelance article, which will be a history of restaurants in Austin. Ok, I haven't yet sold this article, so, like the effort it represents--making money from writing--it is an experiment.

I am also taking the old saying, 'write about what you know' literally for two reasons. First, it's a subject that I am interested in, and second, it simply hasn't been written about enough, in my opinion. If the successes of Anthony Bourdain's Kitchen Confidential and the whole Food Channel phenomenon are reasonable measures, I feel that there is a lot of interest waiting to be tapped, so to speak.

Of course, for me, the place to begin is local. I don't want this piece to be a memoir or a personality piece, so I will concentrate on facts which will be of some interest to many Austinites and thus could be sold to a local magazine or perhaps even appeal to Texans in general, which would open the door say, to Texas Monthly. Now, ironically, even though the sale of the piece is of course the critical reason for writing it, on this topic I think I've said enough, because I am conscious of the fact that every word written about writing is a word not written for sale.

My first pass to see if I could easily uncover a book or article about the history of Austin restaurants fortunately yielded nothing, so I am at least heading into some relatively uncharted waters. My visit to the Austin History Center website confirmed that I must make a few forays into their archives for texts and photos that can be used for historical reference.

There are plenty of other topics related to restaurants that I can eventually write about, and I by no means want to limit myself to this one subject. Ideally, though, I'd love to combine travel with writing about restaurants, so I am, for now anyway, setting myself up in that vector with hopes and plans that it entails. Note that this is not going to be about food, per se, but about the places and people that make and serve the food. I guess I can be clear that this is not going to be a restaurant review, so there will be no need to crank them out or write about places that I have never been or have no interest in.

Finally, one obvious side benefit of the subject is that we will get to go to more restaurants for research purposes. If my writing only paid for this, I'd be pleased with the start.

Writing about Restaurants

This week I began my research into my first freelance article, which will be a history of restaurants in Austin. Ok, I haven't yet sold this article, so, like the effort it represents--making money from writing--it is an experiment.

I am also taking the old saying, 'write about what you know' literally for two reasons. First, it's a subject that I am interested in, and second, it simply hasn't been written about enough, in my opinion. If the successes of Anthony Bourdain's Kitchen Confidential and the whole Food Channel phenomenon are reasonable measures, I feel that there is a lot of interest waiting to be tapped, so to speak.

Of course, for me, the place to begin is local. I don't want this piece to be a memoir or a personality piece, so I will concentrate on facts which will be of some interest to many Austinites and thus could be sold to a local magazine or perhaps even appeal to Texans in general, which would open the door say, to Texas Monthly. Now, ironically, even though the sale of the piece is of course the critical reason for writing it, on this topic I think I've said enough, because I am conscious of the fact that every word written about writing is a word not written for sale.

My first pass to see if I could easily uncover a book or article about the history of Austin restaurants fortunately yielded nothing, so I am at least heading into some relatively uncharted waters. My visit to the Austin History Center website confirmed that I must make a few forays into their archives for texts and photos that can be used for historical reference.

There are plenty of other topics related to restaurants that I can eventually write about, and I by no means want to limit myself to this one subject. Ideally, though, I'd love to combine travel with writing about restaurants, so I am, for now anyway, setting myself up in that vector with hopes and plans that it entails. Note that this is not going to be about food, per se, but about the places and people that make and serve the food. I guess I can be clear that this is not going to be a restaurant review, so there will be no need to crank them out or write about places that I have never been or have no interest in.

Finally, one obvious side benefit of the subject is that we will get to go to more restaurants for research purposes. If my writing only paid for this, I'd be pleased with the start.

Sunday, May 18, 2008

Maddie's 18th Birthday

Well, it seems hard to believe, and yet here we are. Madelaine was born now eighteen years ago! One of the greatest pleasures I've had in my life has been watching her develop. As I looked at her soft sleeping figure oh those many years ago, I wondered, as do all parents, I am sure, what she would be like. I wondered about the sound of her voice, and how tall she would be. I also wondered, naturally, whether or not she would be happy, but looking at that little baby, I especially was curious about the physical.

So, she is now a beautiful young woman. She is taller than her mother but not quite as tall as me, and has filled out quite nicely, so to speak, since she was an kid. As she approaches adulthood, she has a good sense of how to dress and carry herself in public, which makes me proud. I think that once she is out on her own, she'll discover a whole new part of herself that is just beginning to emerge.

This coming month will be a busy one for her. Next weekend she will have her 18th B-day celebration with her friends. A limo will come to pick her and three friends up from school and whisk them off to a hotel, where we've gotten them a room. After playing in the pool and relaxing in the sauna and jacuzzi, they'll get room service and stay up watching TV all night long.

That's just the fun part. She also has to finish school and we have to arrange for an apartment in Portland this coming week. But we won't have to think about that till tomorrow!

Lynda Dubov: 1917 - 2007

What follows is the text of the biography I put together for the occasion of Lynda's memorial. Since it remains to be fact-checked, improved and revised, it should not be considered a finished work.

Ultimately, I plan to incorporate this text along with a number of personal memoirs and the photographs that I collected for the album into a bound book. Though I got a lot of material in this first 'pass' so to speak, I still do not have it all. I spoke with several people who are sending me photos or tributes to be included, so it will be a month or two before I can realize my final goal and tribute to Lynda, which will be a limited edition hardbound book.

There are any number of internet publishing sites that allow one to upload the materials, lay them out in a book form and have it printed and bound professionally. Though this is primarily a selfish effort to make use of the work I have put into the memorial, I also think that there are a number of people, family and friends alike, who might enjoy reading this volume and having it on their shelf as a memento of Lynda.


*******************************************************

Gladys Lynda Allen, daughter of Oglesby and Rosiland (nee Heller) Allen, was born in Chicago, Illinois on August 1, 1917. Her sister Anita was born two years later. Her first memory, as she often recalled, was of being held aloft on a balcony above a Victory Day parade in Chicago when she was four, which was two years before the family moved to Biloxi, Mississippi in 1923 to run a family grocery store owned by relatives of Rosalind.

A pivotal moment in Lynda's early life came when she won an art collection competition in grade school in 1928, sowing the seeds for her long career as an artist later in life. In 1932, her father left the family, leaving Lynda to support her mother and her sister, which she did after graduating from high school in 1934. She wanted to attend college, but for practical reasons, settled on a trade school in Wheatland Wyoming, where she was trained as a lab technician specializing in reading blood types. She received her professional certificate from the school in Wheatland in 1936-37. She returned briefly to Biloxi before moving, with her mother and sister to Shreveport, Louisiana in 1938. Here she took a job in a community hospital and, eager for an 'intellectual' life, became active in a local small theater company.

In 1940, in this theater group, she met Jack Smith, son of L.E. and Anne Smith of Shreveport. She and this adopted bookish son of a Louisiana sportsman immediately fell in love and were married the following year, in 1941, in Shreveport. This was just prior to the beginning of American involvement in World War II. In 1942, Jack tried to enlist in the military but was rejected at first for poor eyesight. He persisted and gained a stateside commission as a Lieutenant at an internment camp for German prisoners of war in Fort Jackson, South Carolina. It was here, two years later, their first child, Stephen, was born in 1943. In 1945, Lynda became pregnant with their second child, Anne. Tragically, Jack was killed in a traffic accident later that same year. Anne was born in 1946, and shortly after, Lynda moved to New York city, with her two small children and mother in tow.

This was a particularly active time in her life. She worked as a lab technician in a private hospital in New York city, enrolled her children in a private school called The Steiner School and generally enjoyed the life of a single mother in a big city. New York City in the late forties was a vibrant place, and for Lynda, it was an intellectual's 'dream' tour. She went to the symphony and heard Toscanini conduct and play, fell in love with the music of Wagner, went to jazz clubs, attended the Metropolitan Opera, the New York City Ballet, and saw many Broadway and off-Broadway plays and shows. She went to the Museum of Modern Art when it was a 'new' thing, and spent hours combing through art galleries and shops in Manhattan.

She kept up her interest in the theater. She soon joined a small theater group called the "Little Theater", where she played roles in several productions. In one of these, "Cat on a Hot Tin Roof", she played the role of Big Momma, and the man who played opposite her, in the role of Big Daddy, was Wilbur Earl (W.E. 'Bill) Dubov. She had actually met Bill a few years earlier in Shreveport. When they met again in New York in 1954, they began seeing each other. They were married in 1955 on Thanksgiving day, and moved to upstate New York. They settled Deansboro, which was close to Utica, where Bill has taken a job as a photographer in the public relations department of the Bendix company. When they met, Bill was working in a camera store in Manhattan, having just returned from a trip to the Antarctic as a photographer for Life magazine. He shared with Lynda a love for those things intellectual, including art and books.

Bill adopted Stephen and Anne, then ages 13 and 10, just before his and Lynda's first child, Phillip, was born in 1956. At the time, the couple was anxious to move out of the cold weather and were looking south for a new place to live and work. They settled on Abilene, Texas, where, after but a single trip down to look it over, they purchased a bookstore called, appropriately enough, the Abilene Bookstore. They moved to Abilene in 1957. They situated the bookstore in a large two-story frame house and lived above it. Their second son and Lynda's fourth child, David, was born in Abilene in 1961.

Though the move to Abilene had seemed promising at the time, the lack of research proved fateful. The community was far more conservative than they had anticipated, despite the presence of several colleges and Hardin Simmons University. This was the McCarthy era and many people were suspicious of the books they supposedly carried. In reality, they probably sold more Bibles than any other single book, but they also managed to expand the choices available to readers in Abilene prior to their arrival, developing it into a cornerstone of the small intellectual community in this West Texas town.

Lynda and Bill were also active in the tiny Jewish and Unitarian communities and met often with what few artists and intellectuals there were at that time in that predominantly Christian town. With these friends they helped create the Abilene Museum of Art, and Lynda was among the first students in the first art class ever taught in that institution. Her first painting was a still life and went on display in the first ever art show in Abilene, sometime in 1963 or 1964.

Stephen graduated from high school and moved away to attend the Kansas City Art Institute in 1961. He went on to graduate with a masters degree from Stanford and teaches art in Austin, Texas. Anne finished high school in Abilene as well and went away to attend the University of Texas in Austin in 1964. She eventually moved to New York City, where she met and married her husband Eric Shapiro.

Lynda was an life-long active lover of books, reading and literacy. Not only did she and her husband own a bookstore, Lynda also volunteered at the library, when she met her lifelong best friends, Len and Lisel Radoff. Lynda spent many hours riding around in the Abilene Library's first (and perhaps only) Bookmobile, which traveled to outlying rural communities where there were no libraries or bookstores. She and Bill were, with the Radoffs, active (and charter) members of the Abilene chapter of the Great Books Society.

The demand for books in Abilene was just not sufficient to make a living at the time, though, and in 1965, Lynda and Bill sold the bookstore (but not the house) and Bill began to look for work in other cities. He went first to Dallas, where his sister Rae and her husband Ronald Weiss lived, then to Houston and eventually to San Antonio, where he found work as a manager of a camera department in a large discount store called Shoppers World. He moved up there first and Lynda joined him with Phillip and David in 1968.

San Antonio was a time of great energy and activity but also hard times for the family financially. Lynda and Bill were once again active in the theater, joining a group at Saint Mary's College. Their involvement with a Dominican friar named Bother Alexis landed Lynda the job of 'stage manager' for a small theater troupe that performed daily on a plaza at the 1968 World's Fair, called HemisFair '68. She also spent a lot of time on behalf of Brother Alexis' charity organization, touring community centers in poor Hispanic communities, teaching and promoting art.

At this time Lynda was just beginning to paint regularly, though it meant painting only after the dinner dishes had been put away. It also meant storing her canvases beside and her paints on top of the refrigerator in the tiny, three bedroom apartment in which the family lived on San Antonio's poor South side. She also wrote her first play in 1968, called "Black and White Checkerboard Society" and saw it produced at the theater at St. Mary's College that same year.

Despite this flourishing of artistic energy, Bill's income was insufficient to support the family and Lynda began to look for work as well. Her found that her training as a lab technician was no longer of value, and she turned to sales. She tried selling Fuller brushes at first, then moved to Encyclopedia Britannica and eventually to life insurance, where she finally broke through and was able to make some money.

Working for the Banker's Life and Casualty company as the first and only female agent ever was a very difficult way to make a living, though. Lynda spent many hours traveling the dusty back roads of San Antonio, selling insurance and collecting the premiums as well. Sometimes folks couldn't pay cash and paid in eggs or butter or bread. While this didn't pay the premiums, it did put food on the table and Lynda often made up the difference out of her own pocket. This attitude towards the welfare of her clients, while seemingly unprofitable to many in the business, proved to be the foundation of her eventual success as an insurance agent, which allowed her to travel the world and eventually retire with an income to paint and draw for many years.

In 1968, Bill found work at in Austin, as the staff photographer for the State School for the Mentally Retarded (as it was called back then), and the family moved again. In Austin, Lynda found work for a much more reputable company called the Great West Life Insurance Company, again as their first-ever and only female agent. Her skills as an agent, as opposed to a saleswoman, were key to her success, and soon her income began to increase exponentially.

In 1969, her mother Rosalind died in St Louis, where she had been living in a nursing home near Lynda's sister Anita. Lynda missed the funeral but the family traveled north to attend a memorial for her later in the year. Lynda and her sister were never particularly close, but they did keep up a regular correspondence throughout her life. Anita traveled to Austin once, in 1984.

Lynda's career as an insurance agent became the family's sole source of income in 1970, when Bill suffered the first of a series of heart attacks that rendered him unable to work for the rest of his life. In addition to nursing her husband back to a state of semi-stable health and raising her two teenage boys during these years, Lynda worked full time and did well at it, though she had little time to pursue her art. She and Bill did attend the symphony, opera and ballet as often as he was able, and they were also active members of a Great Books Society group that met once a month, often in their home. Lynda was anxious to move and move on yet again, and after answering in small ad in the back of an insurance trade magazine, committed to go work in Europe for the John Hancock Life Insurance company in 1974.

Her son Phillip graduated from high school that same year, and he elected to remain in Austin as Lynda, Bill and David packed up and moved to England. They settled in a small town about sixty miles north of London called Bedford. Based here, she sold insurance to G.I.'s on two nearby military bases (Alconbury and Chicksands) and did so well at it that she rose to become the number two agent, in terms of sales, in all of Europe. Meanwhile, in spite of his deteriorating heart condition, Bill enjoyed a period of relatively stable health, and was thus able to enjoy the fruits of Lynda's success with her as they traveled throughout Europe, Russia, China and the Middle East. David graduated from 'high' school in Bedford and moved back to the U.S. to attend college at Bennington, Vermont.

Lynda was surprisingly prolific as an artist during these years, despite the cramped living quarters and a hectic schedule. She managed to paint enough to participate in an exhibition in London in 1976, the same year she wrote her second play, "The Daughters of 1776". She and Bill often traveled to London on weekends, attending as usual, the symphony, opera and ballet, as well as many, many hours walking the marbled halls of the British Museum. They walked the back streets of London as often as they could, exploring art galleries and discovering out of the way restaurants and pubs in the art district. Phillip moved back 'home' briefly in 1975, then moved on to attend the American College in Paris in 1976.

Bill's health continued to fail, and after a brief trip to visit Phillip in Paris in 1981, he died at home in Bedford. Lynda buried her second husband and moved to a small apartment in London, where she continued to paint and visit galleries and museums. Eventually, the isolation of living alone in a foreign country became too much work to be enjoyable, and she moved back to the U.S. in 1983 to be near her daughter Anne, son-in-law Eric, and her two grandchildren, Jennifer and Daniel.

She spent a great deal of time with the grandchildren as they were growing up, but she also manged to get into new York City for a taste of the city life again. The rounds are by now familiar ones: museums, galleries, theater, symphonies and opera. She often made these rounds with her cousin Bernice "Bunny" Heller, who lived in an apartment in Manhattan. The two cousins even made a pilgrimage to Ireland during this time, with Lynda doing all the driving and arrangements for her wheelchair-bound cousin.

She continued to paint and draw during this period, and her interest in learning brought her to attend the prestigious Ragsdale Art Colony in upstate New York in 1984. Although she enjoyed writing and wrote her third play at this time, in Ragsdale she made a firm commitment to herself to pursue the life of a painter at long last. The cold winters and snow in New York once again made her look south for a place to live. She soon settled on Austin, where her son Phillip was living and going to school at UT and moved back again in 1985. In the interim, Phillip had met and married Valery Caselli. Their first child (Lynda's third grandchild), Pierre, was born in 1987. He was followed just three years later in 1990 by Lynda's fourth and last grandchild, Madelaine.

As she did in New York, in Austin Lynda spent a great deal of her time caring for her young grandchildren, teaching them about life and art from an early age. She was especially close to Pierre, as he seemed to share her passion for art. As she did with her own children, she took him to museums, symphonies and operas and spent a great deal of time with time in her studio.

The studio that she set up on moving to Austin in 1986 had several locations, but it was always the very heart of her life. Almost every day she managed to spend at least some time in and among her many works, whether it was crowded into a tiny hot space above a warehouse on east Sixth Street or in the busy and noisy ArtPlex on Guadalupe. With a single aging box fan running constantly to cool the summer heat and the powerful creative energy that burned within, she churned out dozens and dozens of large brightly colored paintings, filled dozens of books with her drawings, sculpted figurines and made mobiles, collages and wrote in her journal when she wasn't covered in paint. Often she simply sat in the heat and napped among her works, listening to Wagner on the radio and dreaming, no doubt, of making more art.

In 1987, Phillip organized a 70th birthday tribute to honor her already long life, not knowing that it was, in many ways, still getting started. At an age when many folks slow down, she actually picked up the pace. She set an example for many people, artists and women all ages, of how a life many be lived energetically even when years begin to advertise the opposite. She began a life-changing habit of exercise at this time, getting back in to the swimming pool to enjoy water aerobics. She joined a health club, The Hills of Lakeway, and attended bi-weekly water aerobics sessions there for twenty-plus years. Doubtless, the exercise helped not only prolong her life, but made it more enjoyable as well. Always gregarious, she met many friends in the pool, many of whom were also in the artistic community that was the other half of her life.

The new millennium brought Lynda a fourth grandchild, Madelaine, and saw a move to join the ArtPlex community in an old state office buildking on Guadalupe. It was by far her most active studio to date. Here, she was in the company of many other like-minded people, for not only artists gathered at the Artplex, but musicians, craftsmen and tradespeople also occupied the building, which was literally a hive of activity for the nearly five years that she was part of it. Lynda was, quite simply, a central figure in the Artplex and the Austin Visual Arts Association. Often one could find her sitting in the Association gallery for hours because that was where she felt she could best contribute to the cause.

So, for about five years, from 2000 to 2005, the studio in the ArtPlex was the very center of her life. She literally had an 'open-door' policy in her studio and could be found there most every day for those five years, painting, drawing, reading, listening to the radio or perhaps, napping in the big red naugahyde chair that sat in the center of the tiny cramped and filled-to-overflowing space. Many, many friends and fellow artists report that they spent many a long afternoon in the studio with Lynda, talking about life and art. Lynda had a way of listening that made each person feel as if she were the only person who mattered to her, and honestly, at that moment, she did indeed care. It was a therapy of sorts for many of her artist friends, many of whom would bring others by for the same 'treatment.' Lynda treated them all with the utmost respect and concern.

During this time Lynda created her series 'Voices of the Ghetto'. A series of black and white pen and ink drawings, it was her unique vision of the many souls who were lost in the Holocaust. Although she was not a regularly practicing Jew, Lynda felt a strong affinity for what she considered to be her Jewish cultural heritage. The emotions that were eventually released in this powerful series of evocative faces existed only in her imagination, but many viewers remarked that they sparked intense feelings and evoked memories of those who had been there. She displayed this works in a series of temples, synagogues and community centers in Dallas, Temple, Austin and Houston. Eventually she donated the series to the Holocaust Museum in Atlanta Georgia, where she attended a seminar some years earlier.

Although the 'Voices' were her most public pieces during this very prolific period, she continued to paint large-scale acrylic canvases that were literally filled, corner to corner, with color and vibrant forms. These works formed a sharp contrast, which she loved to bring attention to, between the intense, almost violent visual nature of her paintings and her mild 'little-old-lady-in-tennis-shoes' outward physical appearance.

She was indeed a little old lady, and often wore canvas shoes, but in no way was she a mild person, in her youth or in her old age. The color and shapes in her paintings were expressions of the person that Lynda was, while the mild little old lady image she carried was what she somehow thought she must be. Her southern upbringing clashed sharply with the intellectualism she had come to idealize.

Somehow, however, as an artist, she managed to create paintings that expressed her inner anger while as a woman, she simultaneously created a persona that expressed both her intelligence and her civility. Those who knew both sides of her personality were not surprised by the seeming contradiction. Like subjects of the paintings that covered the walls of her studio and were stacked like so many cards in an open rack that filled the back wall of her cramped quarters, she was always something of an enigma.

Always in search of intellectual companions and fellow readers, she joined, at the request of Valery's mother, Billie Clark, a reading group of ladies called "The Purples". Here, she instantly formed another circle of friends who came to know her extensive knowledge and sharp wit quite well. The group would select and read a book for discussion over tea, but it was anything but a gossip group. The members of the group were all very intelligent and well-read, and the subjects of their reading were always contemporary. Lynda was always the only person who read every book, cover to cover.

This is because, in fact, books and reading were, after her family and art, the most important part of Lynda's life. Denied the education she craved in her youth, she became an autodidact, teaching herself diligently over the years so well that one could not tell that she was not formally educated. She was, in some ways, proud of the fact that she was self-taught and such a voracious reader. She read every night of her life, if and when she could. She would keep at least three or four books by her bedside and would read in bed for at least an hour before sleep. Her interests centered mostly on history and politics, but she read everything but fiction. She said she didn't have time for 'made-up' stories; the 'real ones' were 'better'. She read books with print so tiny that it seemed like it would take a magnifier to read them, yet she managed with the same set of bifocals for twenty years or more. It was only in her eighties that her eyesight began to fail, but she nonetheless continued to read right up until her death.

In 2003, she traveled again for the first time in a quite a while. She went with Phillip to Italy, for a ten-day visit to an old friend with a house in a village perched on a hillside above the Lake of Como. At age 86, it was not easy for her to travel, but she was energized by the prospect of eating some good Italian food and seeing a lot of small Romanesque churches. With the aid of her cane and the steady arm of her son and their friend Francesca, she realized both of those important goals and returned to Austin full of ideas for the canvas and paper.

Although she continued to produce art in the new millenium, her pace began to slow. Her son Phillip convinced her that 2003 was the year to collect and hold a retrospective exhibition of her work, spanning the 40 years from 1965 onward. This Retrospective was indeed held on January 6, 2004, at the Dougherty Arts Center in Austin, and it was a well-attended success. It was held in conjunction with a family reunion, so members of her extended family came from all over to join her friends and fellow artists in acknowledging the deep and lasting impression she had made on their lives.

Though her trip to Italy at age 86 might easily have been most people's last trip abroad, Lynda was not most people, and in October 2004, now 88, she set out for Europe once again. This time, she went to Paris with her son and grandson Pierre, who was 17 at the time. She felt that travel was more educational than school, so it was no trouble to take him out for the two weeks that they spent in France. While in the past she had been the one leading the way, this time it was up to Phillip to take charge, since he had lived in Paris while attending college and could still speak enough French to get them around. The trip was indeed educational for Pierre and Lynda reveled in this connection between generations. Her mobility was limited, however, by an increasingly painful arthritic knee, so many of the museums that the trio visited required a wheelchair for Lynda to get around. Despite this difficulty, she managed to see the City of Light one last time.

On returning to Austin, in 2005, Lynda's life slowly began to unravel. First came the January fire at the ArtPlex, which destroyed many of the studios but spared hers save for extensive water and soot damage. Lynda was too devastated by the loss to return to the burned out building, but Phillip and Stephen, who was now living in Austin to be near Lynda, salvaged 90% of her paintings and drawings Many of her books and art supplies were too damaged to be recovered.

Diligently over the next six months, Phillip and Lynda cleaned each of the paintings and as many of the drawings as could be saved. The work was relegated to a storage unit, and her 'studio' had now shrunk to one bedroom of her small two bedroom frame house. Much of her work was actually saved and many art supplies were re-purchased, but Lynda was bereft of the many social connections she had at the studio and ceased to paint. Because she had always struggled with the vagaries of depression and anxiety, this reduction in her world was naturally taken with some difficulty. She continued to draw, however, though not as frequently nor with the same passion as before.

Health concerns began to intrude into her life in these final years. In May of 2005 Lynda had surgery to replace her arthritic right knee. Knowing that this surgery can be hard on a person of forty, she was nervous about going under the knife, particularly about the pain of recovery. Although she hesitated until it was clear that the options were limited, she undertook the operation and subsequent rehabilitation with a good attitude. It took about six months for her to recover and walk again on the new knee, but the absence of pain made it worth the effort. Her gait, which had always had a little 'roll' to it now became more reliable but she still kept her cane firmly in hand.

Sadly, 2006 was not a good year for Lynda. Though she was still in relatively good health early in the year, when her best friend Dorothy Saxe had to move away to be with her family in May, Lynda was naturally saddened by the loss. Then, in October of 2006, she was diagnosed with advanced bladder cancer. Though relatively hopeful at first, the two immediate operations to remove or forestall it were unsuccessful. Faced with the knowledge of the inevitable, her strength of will, long the anchor to her life and those around her, began to fade. Insensitive to the real-world consequences of a protracted battle with her disease and encouraged by family members who were unwilling to let her die quickly, her doctors prescribed a vain and excruciatingly debilitating course of radiation treatment in early 2007. In a weakened state as a result of this 'treatment', she fell and broke her hip in May.

After a series of struggles--surgery, rehabilitation and nursing care--to overcome this final physical setback were unsuccessful, Lynda moved to a private care hospice, An Angel's Place, where she succumbed to her illness on November 22, 2007.