No More Autographs

In the way that big banks follow one another when hiking and lowering interest rates on the money they lend one another, celebrities often play follow-the-leader in making announcements and I, dear reader, am no different.

So, following the lead of Ringo Starr, I will no longer sign objects sent to me by fans, nor will I sign things like hats, shirts, or underwear when confronted with them in public.

Now, to be fair to those who camp outside my house and follow me everywhere, I will consider continuing signing body parts, but can no longer sign those sent to me by fans. Also in the interest of fairness, I will, in fact continue to read the letters of affection that you shower me with daily, as well as to slog through the numerous comments you leave on every post here on this blog, but like my man Ringo, I too no longer have the time nor, alas, even the inclination to indulge in my heretofore routine and lengthy personal responses; this despite knowing how dependant you have become on them. Sorry.

The Truth of the matter is, we only have so much time here on this Earth, and the amount of money we celebs get from satisfying the petty demands of you fans is just not worth the time spent doing it. Keep in mind that I have greater ambitions than simply being the highly-sought-after celebrity that I am at present, and I need my space to do it, man.

I mean honestly, how is a guy supposed to write the greatest epic poem of the Twentieth century when he's gotta stop and sign autographs for heaven's sake?

Hello? With the Reaper already at the door, I am writing as fast as I can, so don't expect me to waste my words on anything so trivial as a t-shirt or as time consuming as my signature.