Tuesday, May 12, 2009

My Free Car: A Proposal for GM

I've got a new promotional idea for GM. Give me one of your cars.

This is neither as nutty or as selfish as it sounds. To begin with, I have to admit that I've never actually owned a GM car of any kind, and this for a reason. I've always had the impression that GM products are, have been and will continue to be--how can I say this most delicately--pieces of shit. Now this impression may not have been valid, though it does seem that GM's precipitous tumble from the summit of the manufacturing world might have something to do with the steady decline in quality of said products and consumer perception of the same during my entire lifetime. GM management may of course choose to challenge that presumption, but it is safe to say that it would take considerable coercion on their part to convince me otherwise.

Like, for example, giving me a car. That could work. For both of us.

For my part, I am willing to go the extra mile so to speak, and actually talk up GM. Really, I will! Not only with I no longer refer to your products as pieces of shit, I will actually endeavor to speak positively about them and your fine, if somewhat scaled back and hopefully now humbled organization. I figure this is a good time for this proposal, what with the change in management and the summer-long shutdown looming and all the rest.

So, for you, GM this deal I'm offering could be a real alternative to say, going out of business permanently. I know you've been thinking about it. Why you've just launched the 'Rally for America' advertising campaign where you picture good and loyal Americans wearing baseball caps inside out in their good-faith attempt to rally the economy all while driving brand-new GM pieces of, erm, valuable transportation and earth-sustaining lifestyle-projecting family-friendly vehicles. Now, if you would just give them away, we'd have a deal.

I don't mean another of those ridiculous zero down, zero interest 'deals'. I mean zero dollars as in free. As in what lunches are not but GM cars ought to be. I think you ought to simply give the piece...erm, until you clear the lots of the--literally, no kidding--millions of unsold and potentially unwanted cars and trucks. These are the same cars and trucks that you built 'on spec' so to speak over the past year and now find yourself with so many 'extras' that you are shutting down production for nine weeks this summer. Nine weeks? Surely you saw the signs back in October of last year? Oh I know you did because that's when you started asking for money, claiming you were 'too big to fail'.

Well, news flash: GM has failed. It is over. Stick a fork in 'em ma, 'cause they're done. I'm hoping the new management will realize this and decide to simply give away what's left of the old pieces, erm, inventory in favor of a new start.

I don't know what that 'new start' will be like for GM and companies like it. For 'starters' though, I can guarantee it won't involve a whole lot of steel and glass. Have you car guys in Detroit been watching the Science Channel lately? There are some guys out there with some new ideas, and new materials for you to consider.

And, as long as you're considering, where and when can I go get my car?


d2 said...

Now, why would you want a piece of... oh, let's just call it "effluessence" for lack of a better term, even if it is free?

Hell, just steal some guardrails, your neighbor's lawn mower, a streetlight or two and call it a day. Worth about the same, IMHO.

Greyghost said...

Ah. Effluessence. That's the word I was looking for!

And right though you are about the lawnmower being the better vehicle shame is in this case, preferable to theft. Yes, I'd rather be found guilty of owning a GM and publicly pilloried for my stupidity than the much less petty crime of stealing my neighbor's Briggs & Stratton, even if a jury of my peers would probably agree that the latter is demonstrably more powerful and reliable and find me--against my will, by the way--not guilty by reason of insanity.

The model you describe is, I believe, the Chevy Lumina.

valhere said...