Friday, November 7, 2008


I am back on sugar. I bought a candy bar again today, and it's not the first. I've also been drinking Dr. Pepper and Coke again regularly, almost, but not quite, to the exclusion of water.

Though I have no doubt this this is unhealthy, I have managed to convince myself equally logically, that this is a rightful response to the depression I've experienced as a result of Pierre's death. In other words, even though I attempted to quit consuming so much sugar, especially since the illness that almost literally consumed me during the months leading up to Lynda's death, my reliance on sugar for the metabolic energy I need to get through the day is actually a beneficial return to the lifestyle that proved productive for me for so many years prior to the deaths of Lynda and Pierre.

Is it folly to think that what worked for me then could work for me now? When I was younger, it seemed easy to dismiss the damage done with the substance, yet now it seems somehow vital, literally. My understanding of biology is so crude that I cannot explain why this should be so, yet I think that the peculiarities of my own metabolism are skewed towards a high sugar, low calorie diet.

It seems now like my efforts to reverse those polarities for the sake of my health were misguided, and that trust in the diet that has gotten me this far is not unreasonable.

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