Thursday, April 8, 2010

My Letter to Mike Rowe

Dear Mike,

First off, I want to say that, like everyone who writes you (no doubt), I am a fan of your show.

Now, I can't say I've seen every show. I can't even say that I watch the prime time episode every week. But, somehow--maybe because the Discovery Channel runs it all week in the late-night slots--I end up watching at least two or three episodes a week.

Heck, sometimes we even watch two or three episodes at a time!

So, I've seen you at work. I saw you climb into that buoy and under that house with all the vermin, and the room with the mosquito larvae and the place where they dissolved flesh to get at the bones. Yes, I've seen you milk camels and reach into a cow's stomach. I saw you make that charcoal and that bird food.

When it comes to dirty jobs, you definitely done them all. Well, all but one.

You see, whenever you get to that part of the show when you turn to the camera and beg us, your loyal viewers to send in our ideas to keep you in work, I always came up empty handed, so to speak. That is, until the other day. That's when it hit me.

I have a dirty job for you, Mike!

Ironically, it's a job I've actually been doing for more than twenty years. It's a job I used to do, routinely. But it's gotten be too dirty, and too tough a job, even for me.

I like to think I'm a pretty tough guy. I've been a waiter and in the restaurant and catering business all my life, and I'm used to hard, dirty work. I've hauled heavy things, cleaned dirty things and done both to downright nasty things. leftover food, grease traps, broken dishwashers, clogged toilets and septic tanks.

In short, I know dirty and I know hard. And this job is a bit too much of both for me.

But, it's not what you're thinking. No. it's not at the restaurant. It's at home. The job?

Cleaning the kitchen after my wi...erm, Bride, Valery makes dinner.

Oh right, I can hear you saying. "Now that sounds like really a dirty job."

Well, ok, you're entitled to be smug about it. At least till you've done it.

Let me say right now that Valery is a wonderful cook. Better than that, she is an inspired and inspiring chef. She has made dinners that even the most discerning foodie in the world would absolutely rave about. As I said, I've been in the restaurant business all my life, and have eaten in many places and many countries. And I'll stand by Valery's cuisine any day. Many a diner at our table has affirmed this simple truth.

So, here's the offer. Come have dinner with us. We'll even feed Barsky (and the crew). That part, I am sure, you'll enjoy.

Then, you have to clean the kitchen. That part, believe it or not, is a helluva dirty job.

Oh, right. Proof. How about some photos, or, some videos?

Keep in mind that these are just examples. The best part--for you anyway--is that you only have to do it once. Pity my poor daughter Madelaine, who has to clean it up almost every night.

Did I mention that I don't do it anymore? Call me lazy. Call me a wimp. Just don't call me to clean the kitchen.

That's your job. Your next Dirty Job.

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